Fake it 'til you make it...But be Authentic

As an educator, I often think about who I am. That is, who I am compared to who my students are. As a well-educated, white, heterosexual, middle class woman, I have worried that my identity will somehow get me in trouble with my audience. In other words, because I belong to a number of majority groups, I have worried that I will not be taken seriously, that I will not be able to relate to my students, that someone will think I’m a fraud, or that I will be passed off as some outsider pushing condom use on at-risk populations.

These feelings became particularly troublesome during my practicum last fall. I was working at an organization whose focus was on education for at-risk youth, Latinos, and the HIV positive community. I was planning a late night event where I would be going into some of the gay bars to do sex education. During a meeting with my supervisor, she suggested that I should look the part, aka “queer it up”, before I went to the bars. At first I thought this was a great idea, remembering that sometimes education is like acting and I would be playing a role. The more I thought about it however, the more I became uncomfortable with the idea of faking me.

I brought my feelings of uncertainty to my practicum class and I was reminded by my professor that yes, as an educator sometimes you need to fake it til you make it. But that sentiment refers more to a person’s confidence and familiarity with content, not personality. After some further class discussion, I realized that “queering it up” would probably do more harm than good. Not only would I feel uncomfortable faking who I was/am, but I risked losing the respect of my audience. And without their respect, I sure as hell would not have their attention.

So, I decided to be authentic. Unapologetically me. Now, that doesn’t mean I went into the gay bars advertising all the ways that I represent majority culture. What it meant was that I felt like myself walking it. It meant dressing the way I like to dress. And it meant being the educator I want to be. When I walked into that bar, I was taken seriously. I didn’t stand out (in a bad way). I didn’t appear or act fake. I was approachable. And I got a great response.

As an educator, I know that I cannot expect to reach everyone. As a high school teacher, I was able to reach some teens but not others. As an outreach educator, some adults came to me while others shied away. After having this experience and really working on my authentic educator persona, I feel so much more confident in my abilities as an educator.

And since this is an online blog, I thought I’d share one more tidbit on authenticity in the online world, for those of you who do more blogging, tweeting, etc.

Being A Sexuality Educator Means Sometimes Having to Say "I Don't Know"

You know the feeling. The kid in the back of the room raises his hand. You feel your stomach flop. You know it’s going to be a doozy and you have to answer it. Out comes a bizarre, slightly inappropriate question that you’re not even sure you know what it’s asking. What do you do? Panic? Re-consider your career choice? Mumble some answer and dive into a new topic?

One of the things I was most worried about when I started teaching at Planned Parenthood, was how I would answer a question calmly and efficiently, especially if it was something very charged or inappropriate. Luckily, one of the very first things we did while I was in training was to learn about how to answer sexuality questions. Cat Dukes, the VP of Education and Training at the Delaware Planned Parenthood developed a framework that I find particularly useful:

The very first words out of your mouth should always be “good question.” There are three reasons for this. First, if you do it sincerely, it’s very affirming to the person asking the question. They’ll feel good about themselves and that’s important because it may have been very hard for them to ask the question, even if it seems totally off-base to you. Second, it reassures the asker that you are a good, reliable source to sexuality information. Third, it gives you a chance to stall. Take a deep breath after “good question” and think before you speak! A lot of times we get nervous about the question, or about possibly saying the wrong thing, that we start to ramble without thinking about what we want to say first. (I know I’m guilty of that one at least!) Remember, you don’t want to end up on the news for something you said to a kid because they asked you a question about analingus.

If the question is a fact-based question—for example “If a boy and a girl both have HIV and they have unprotected sex can they give each other more HIV?” (real question I got yesterday)—and you are 100% sure that you know the answer, tell them the answer. However, if you’re not sure and it is a fact based question, say “I don’t know.” It is really important that we, as sexuality educators, get used to saying “I don’t know.” Of course we should be as well-versed in our subject manner as we can, but we are never going to know everything, and it is much better to admit to not knowing than to give faulty, possibly even dangerous, information out. As members of professional organizations, administrations and the Widener community, we should all strive to put out accurate information. That being said, if you don’t know, you should follow up with “but I can find out.” If possible, go home, do some research and return to the next class with the answer. A lot of the questions can be solved with a quick Google search or a quick call to a colleague with that particular sub-specialty. Your students will feel that you respect them by taking the time to get the answer, and if you still feel uncomfortable with saying I don’t know, you have the chance to “redeem yourself.”

Not all questions are fact based however, many are opinion questions. Whether these are personal questions (what kind of birth control do you use, Miss Kelly?) or permission seeking questions (is it okay if I masturbate?) or general opinion questions (is abortion good or bad?) there is no easy answer. “If you are a public educator, your charge is to illuminate the range of values that exist in the community and to assist students in examining their own values” (Hedgepeth and Helmich, 1996, p. 94). At PPDE, we are trained to use the following groupings: “for some, for others and for you.” In other words, you should cover both sides of the debate and then explain that the individual needs to make the decision on their own and encourage them to talk to family or trusted adults about the issue. So with the “is it okay if I masturbate” question a complete answer might go something like this: “Good question. For some people masturbation can feel very good and be a pleasant experience, for others they may not like to masturbate or may not believe it is a good idea because of religion or values. Only you can decide how you feel about masturbation, but you can also talk to your parents or other trusted adults to help you figure out what choice is right for you.”

You can use the framework for personal questions as well, as in the “what kind of birth control do you use” example. “Good question. Some people prefer methods such as condoms because they are cheap and very effective. Other people prefer hormonal methods because they don’t interrupt sexual play. For each person, the method that they are going to use with the highest degree of effectiveness is the best method for them. You can talk to your parents or the school nurse for more information on the different methods so you can choose the one that is right for you.” (I might also take this opportunity to remind the class about which methods protect against STD’s and HIV, just to use it as a teachable moment.)

I also think that having a question box is a great way to help handle difficult questions. If you have the opportunity to meet with a group several times, you can pass the box around once per session and then prepare to answer the questions at the beginning of the next meeting. This gives you a little more time to think and research your answers, and allows the questions to be anonymous. Also, you can use the question box in class if you have a student who keeps raising their hand to ask you difficult questions. Instead of interrupting the lesson (again), you can ask them to write it down for next week.

So the next time you get a difficult question from a participant, take a deep breath, say “good question” (and mean it!) and remember that being a sexuality educator sometimes means having to say “I don’t know.”

For more information check out:

http://answer.rutgers.edu/file/sex_411_V5.pdf

http://www.teachingsexualhealth.ca/teacher/teacherslounge/respondingquestions.html


References
Hedgepeth, E., & Helmich, J. (1996). Teaching about sexuality and HIV: Principles and methods for effective education. New York, NY: NYU Press.

FMLTWIA

I have been trying to introduce my middle school students into my world of human sexuality.  Since I teach Family and Consumer Sciences, I can do this by including it under the umbrella of personal development lesson plans. This past year I began including sexting as one of my topics. This has been a challenge for numerous reasons.  First off, in my portion of FCS, I am in charge of teaching students how to sew, along with personal development, finance, consumerism, and relationships.  When I finish my sewing lessons, students always say, “why are we doing this? This is sewing”, to which I always respond, “Well this is Family and Consumer Sciences class and the State of Pennsylvania requires that along with sewing and cooking, students should also learn about this.” I’m like a broken record. Then I run into the challenges of having a very quiet class in which no one wants to talk about sexting with their teacher.  Or I have the challenge of having a group of overly sexed middle schools who want to talk about more than sexting and we get off topic.

I like to leave the discussion relaxed and open. If a student does not feel comfortable talking about the subject of sexting, I do not force him/her to. Learning about the sensitive and personal subject of sexuality thrives best in an atmosphere that promotes cooperation and dialogue with peers, consideration of one’s values and attitudes, and practice of new and old skills (Hedepeth & Helmich, 1996). I set up the chairs in a circle so everyone is seen and heard with no problems. It also helps me to see all students and no one can hide behind anyone else.

To help combat against some of these challenges, I established a “script” to help me if I get stuck with silence or we get off topic. This link covers most of the topics I like to discuss with my students. http://www.canadianteachermagazine.com/ctm_life_skills/nov09_five_lessons.shtml%20

(Shout out for Ashton and Canada). I like to make the subject of sexting relevant to the students so we discuss recent sexting news reports with celebrities and the average population. It’s important to get the students interested and talking about people they see on TV, it’s how I get their attention and let them know I know what’s going on in their world.

We also discuss the schools rules on sexting, sexual harassment, and technology in the student discipline book. After looking at the school rules, we move into laws in various states. This website has been helpful for me in comparing state http://www.ncsl.org/issues-research/telecom/sexting-legislation-2011.aspx

Finally we do scenarios about what the students should do if someone sexts you, how a sexting situation should be handled, and what the students think a possible consequence should be.

In ending the lesson, I ask the students if they have someone at the school they feel comfortable with to go to if a sexting issue were to come up.  Sometimes I have students who feel comfortable going to at least one adult and others who can’t think of one person in the school, but they have people at home. I also like to remind students they can come to me if they want to discuss anything.

I really enjoy teaching this lesson because it gives me a taste of sexuality in a Family and Consumer Sciences environment and it teaches students about technology, privacy, and lasting affects when dealing with sexting.

Hedgepeth, E., & Helmich, J. (1996). Teaching about sexuality and HIV: Principles and methods for effective education. New York, NY: NYU Press.

Co-facilitation Tips

As I begin my journey transforming from a reading teacher to a sexuality educator, I am both excited and terrified.  As part of my practicum experience, I will have the opportunity to receive training through observation and co-facilitation.  I feel an important part of learning is being able to learn from those who have more experience than I do.  Co-facilitation is an excellent way for me to get experience as well as learn the ins and outs of the organization and their goals.  Not only am I building a name for myself as a sexuality educator, I am also representing the organization.  While I want to jump right in and begin teaching on my own, I know that training through co-facilitation is an important step on my journey to becoming a sexuality educator.

Co-facilitating can be a highly effective and advantageous method of delivering instruction.  However, it can also be tricky navigating different teaching/presenting styles, boundaries and planning.  Before my first co-facilitation experience, I checked out several articles and websites about co-facilitating, including an article by Kevin Eikenberry http://training-modules.com/contributions/team_teaching.asp and Everywoman's Center http://www.ecbo.me/facilitation-and-presentation-skills-and-tips.  There are steps that can be taken to help co-facilitating run more smoothly.

I had a great experience co-facilitating recently at a presentation to a small group of college students.  Before we began our lesson, everything had been completely planned and it was clear who was presenting which section.  Going into the presentation, I had a good sense of how my co-facilitator typically presented information.  My style is different than hers, so before introducing a different way of presenting, I shared my ideas about how I wanted to conduct my parts of the lesson.  Good communication is needed for instruction and transitions to go easily.  Not only should communication happen before the presentation, but it should happen during and after as well.  There should be constant communication throughout the presentation.  One recommendation is to create a signal before the presentation designed to get the others' attention.  Sometimes during a presentation, while one facilitator is presenting, the other jumps in to say something, interrupting the flow of instruction.  Another tip is to ask the other person if there is anything to add after completing instruction.  This is essential before beginning co-facilitation because it sets rules and boundaries for each facilitator.  By doing this, presenters can help each other and create a stronger lesson, rather than wok against each other.

Throughout the presentation, I stood to the side so that I was not a distraction to the students.  Since there can be so many different distractions within any presentation, it is important that the co-facilitator does not add to them by rustling papers or standing visually in the way of the other presenter.  I feel it would be unprofessional for me to have a side conversation or be an obvious distraction during my co-facilitator's presentation.  Additionally, I was able to assist her when handouts needed to be distributed, which allowed her to continue teaching and presenting information.  By assisting her, the presentation was able to flow well.

Every teacher has a different teaching personality and persona.  I know that I will not be able to reach every member of the audience because not all personalities relate to one another.  By co-facilitating, there are two personalities and styles that will hopefully reach more students.  Not only that, but there are two "experts" to help answer questions and guide discussions.  While having two different personalities can be difficult to navigate, with good communication, two teaching styles are implemented, which can help reach a variety of learners.

Since I feel as though I am still in the process of training, I found myself looking more to my co-facilitator rather than being certain of myself and my abilities.  As Eikenberry pointed out, there is a higher level of comfort through co-facilitation.  I think that is certainly true for me as a novice within sexuality education.  My co-facilitator was fully supportive and encouraging of my presentation.  When I studied education in undergraduate, there is an opportunity for student teaching; however, the experience felt isolated and not inclusive of the whole teaching experience.  Co-facilitation allows me the opportunity to receive training, support and guidance before being independent in the field.  I will be more fully equipped to handle situations when I am teaching on my own through this organization because of the training through co-facilitation.  Co-facilitation can be a great way to train new employees and interns, as well as provide an effective way to conduct presentations.

How to Teach Your Kids about S-E-X

Parents often have a hard time talking to their children about sex for many reasons. Some parents may, understandably, feel a little embarrassed to talk to their child about sexuality. Other parents might worry that they don’t have all the right answers or that even talking about sex may encourage or promote sexual behavior. To help combat these common issues with discussing sexuality with your children, here are some helpful guidelines.

Since sexual development is something that humans experience across the lifespan, there’s no need to wait until the child is an older teen to have the first "sex talk", which is when many teens may already be sexually active. By having many small conversations about sexuality throughout their childhood, you are not only giving them important factual information, but also helping them to develop their own personal values, and giving them the confidence to make responsible and healthy decisions throughout their adolescence and beyond. This strategy will also make talking about sex much easier as they get older, and you can avoid the often daunting task of having one big "talk" later.

Even young children can learn some of the basics, such as the proper names for their genitals. Using made-up names like “pee pee” might sound cute, but may also reinforce the idea that our genitals are something shameful or "dirty" that we’re not supposed to talk about. As parents, we don’t usually teach our children improper names for other body parts like their knees or elbows, so it just makes sense to teach them the correct terms for their genitals, as well. It is also important for kids to possess the right language to be able to clearly tell an adult if they are experiencing a medical issue, or if they have been sexually abused.

Children are also curious and will discover their own bodies - including their genitals. It may be shocking or make parents a little uncomfortable, but its important not to yell at or punish your child for exploring their own body. This is a totally normal part of childhood development. It is alright, however, to teach your child that this is something that should be done in private.

If your child asks a question about sex, try not to give an answer that’s overly complicated or you might lose them completely. Try to keep your responses simple and age-appropriate. Also, make sure you are answering the question they asked! There’s an old joke where a child comes home from school and says, “Mom, where did I come from?” So the mom launches into a lengthy biological lecture all about sperm, eggs, and fertilization. The confused child says “Oh…Sally said she was from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from”. Usually, a very simple answer will satisfy a child’s curiosity. If they want more information, they’ll ask.

Using teachable moments is another helpful strategy. Simply be on the look-out for opportunities in your everyday life to bring up sexuality. Sexuality is everywhere! For example, maybe you see a pregnant woman walking down the street, or perhaps a relative is expecting a baby. You can use this opportunity to ask your child what they might already know about pregnancy, or questions they may have about how a baby develops, where babies come from, or about different types of families. If you are the parent of a teen, take advantage of commercials for contraceptives that come on TV, or even an episode of MTV's "Teen Mom", to talk to your teen about the importance of waiting to have sex until they're ready, or how they can avoid becoming a pregnant teen themselves.

Lastly, try to remain calm and stay positive! It can be intimidating or even a little scary when your child approaches you with questions about sex. Remember that if you become angry or visibly upset by their questions, your child may regret asking you, and probably won’t approach you or trust you with another difficult question again. This reaction will also give them the impression that sex is shameful, wrong, and shouldn’t be talked about. Also remember that if your children aren’t getting this information from you, they will likely look elsewhere, such as from their friends or other sources that might give them inaccurate or even harmful information.

It’s also easy for parents to focus only on the negative consequences of sexuality such as STIs and unplanned pregnancy, but you should also be sure to talk to your son or daughter about the positive aspects of sexuality, such as closeness and intimacy, pleasure, being in love, and even health benefits. Parents may be concerned that by discussing the positives of sex, they may be encouraging their son or daughter to engage in sexual behavior. Research has shown, however, that children whose parents communicate positively with them about sexuality are more likely to delay sexual activity and to make responsible decisions when they do become sexually active(Breuss & Greenberg, 2004). Regular positive communication about sexuality is the key to guiding your children's growth into confident, healthy, and happy sexual beings.

For more information, check out the following resources:

Planned Parenthood
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/parents/talking-kids-about-sex-sexuality-37962.htm

Advocates for Youth
http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=108&Itemid=206

References:
Breuss, C., & Greenberg, J. (2004). Sexualtiy Education: Theory and practice (4th Ed.). Boston: Jones & Bartlett.

Testing the cultural waters before you cannonball into the pool

Recently, I have been very curious and interested in a supermarket called Supermercado Montery close to where I work. Apparently, they have fantastically tasty and cheap homemade tortillas, freshly made churros (a deep fried sugary cinnamony pastry), awesome fajita meat for a fair price and other culinary delights that are absolutely unavailable in the supermarkets I frequently visit. Being a bit of a foodie, this place seems as if it would really strike my fancy. What’s holding me back from charging in there and dropping some dough to get some warm tortillas? Fear. Although I am very familiar with the Texas Hispanic cultural, I’m still scared to walk into this place alone because it would be incredibly obvious that I wasn’t one of them (and most likely the only one in there like this). What if they don’t speak English? What if I offend somebody? How will I get my beloved churros?? If I could just have a Hispanic guide to walk with me the first time it wouldn’t be so daunting thereafter.

These feelings of fear are not unlike those that exist for some Sexuality Educators teaching to cultures not of their own. What if you use unfamiliar terms? What if you accidentally offend somebody? How will you convey the importance of learning about sexuality related topics?? For me, having a cultural “guide” to help me test the waters would greatly increase my confidence and comfort level with the population. So far, this has come in the form of completing a needs assessment. Utilizing the Gateshead Needs Grid has been successful in helping me gather information and applicable knowledge about the potential population. However, being a culturally competent educator is not solely based on the amount of knowledge one has about various cultures. Perez and Luquis (2008) state that the Joint Committee on Health Education and Promotion defines cultural competence as “the ability of an individual to understand and respect values, attitudes, beliefs, and mores that differ across cultures, and to consider and respond appropriately to these differences in planning, implementing, and evaluating health education and promotion programs and interventions” (p. 46).

We (meaning me) get so caught up in our fears of not having enough knowledge that we forget about what’s really important. As long as we keep an open mind, stay prepared, respect others, and remember to ask questions we will be just fine. It’s okay if we look stupid and mess up sometimes. More than likely it is going to happen anyways. Both education and experience are important when teaching sexuality, but for beginners like me the experience part can be a little intimidating, especially if you are in unfamiliar waters. It is important to test the waters, but sooner or later you’re going to have to cannonball in. Even though you may look a little silly it doesn’t take away from the awesomeness that is your cannonball! And, you won’t really know how cool it is until you try it.

Time for some churros!

Perez, M. A., & Luquis, R. R. (2008) Cultural competence in health education and health promotion. New York, NY: Jossey-Bass, Inc.

Being taken seriously as a Sexuality Educator

           I’m sure anyone in the process of becoming a Sexuality Education is familiar with these responses:  “What can you do with that?”  “People actually study that?” Or, my personal favorite, a simple smirk that seems to imply the smirker knows our sexual preferences and that we would like to engage in those practices with them and as soon as possible.  But it is not just the general public that seems confounded by our fascination with and passion for teaching sexuality.  Fellow teachers or health professionals are guilty of finding our subject matter distasteful or inappropriate.

Though I’ve only just begun, I can already see that teaching Human Sexuality is an unusual experience.  The subject matter can be anything from taboo to terrifying, loving to loathsome.  Because of the intense emotions people hold around sexuality, the responses we receive are not always positive.  While some people may find what we do wonderful and necessary, many do not.  Many people will insist we are breaking moral codes by encouraging promiscuity.  Many people will not believe what we say.  Many people will not take us seriously. 

Even as students, while we are working away to become the best educators we can be, we encounter these hurdles.

So, how do students of human sexuality carve out a space for themselves in our evermore sex-negative society?  Everyone has a different strategy.  Our professors have chosen the academic route (a route which, I must admit, is constantly tugging at my lapels).  This route aims to legitimize sexuality as a field of study and offers the distinction of degrees to prove one’s knowledge.  Others choose to make their way by community education.  This can take the form of a job in a school or creating a business focusing on sexuality education for the greater community or adult education.  This serves to push the system outward from the inside in the hope of creating more space for sex positivity.  And yet others work with sex toys or in kink communities, helping those just getting started or encouraging those who have already begun.  Clearly this answers the question of what one might do with such a degree (the simple answer:  anything you damn well please!).

            Unfortunately, each of these routes will still encounter disbelief or disregard.  One of the most effective methods for jumping over or sidling around these hurdles has to be humor.  Humor is proven to be an effective education tool, engaging students and lightening the mood in the tense situations that often occur around sexuality (Tauber & Mester, 2007).  The thousand page sex manual/opus, The Guide to Getting It On, successfully uses humor to encourage and set at ease those who might otherwise be unwilling to consider some of the sex practices introduced in the book.  Megan Andelloux, a well-known sexuality educator working from the Providence area, often uses humor in her successful presentations.  A professor at our very own Widener University (you know who you are!) is known for their over-the-top humor to engage and interact with students.

            I have yet to master the great art of humor, perhaps because I have yet to master even the basics of the art of education.  My concern, however, is that even with the proper use of humor, some might see that as a way to mask discomfort or simply use it as further proof that sexuality is not a ‘real’ field of study.  I suspect it is something I will employ regardless of the risk of devaluation or disreverence.

            So, how can I (or you) be taken seriously as a Sexuality Educator?  I don’t have an answer.  But, I do know that continuing to study, practice and expand our field will encourage our society to rework its values.  As our field grows it will become more and more difficult to pigeonhole us into one measly framework.

Tauber, R. T., & Mester, C. S. (2007). Acting lessons for teachers: using performance skills in the classroom. (2nd ed.). London, England: Praeger Publishers

Joannides, P. G. (2009). The guide to getting it on. (6th ed.). Goofy Foot Press.